From time to time insomnia sets in. Recently I’ve been plagued with it again. I really don’t know why.
But what I have learned from previous bouts with insomnia is a lot like the lessons I’ve learned in twelve step recovery.
I admit that I’m not God. I am powerless to control this. It is unmanagable.
I cannot will myself back into sleep. I cannot lie in bed tossing and turning and make myself sleep. The more I struggle and fight for control, the harder it is to fall asleep.
I am simply not tired. I slept for four hours and now I’m awake. That’s it.
Don’t panic. Sleep will come when I’m really tired.
I have learned to simply get up out of bed and do something else until I feel tired again.
I pray. Sometimes I fall back asleep while in prayer. I think that’s okay. God understands.
If I’m still awake after praying, I get on the floor and do some gentle stretching and deep breathing exercises that I’ve learned from yoga videos. I feel great after doing that for awhile and sometimes I feel tired enough to try getting back into bed.
When even that does not work
I just get up and sit in a different room and read or write. It’s almost 4 am. and I’ve been awake now since 2:30 am.
It’s time to make coffee and basically start my day. Sleep will not come now until afternoon nap time.
I know that and don’t fight it. Getting back into bed will only frustrate me with more tossing and turning.
Most women find themselves at certain times in their life cycles going through bouts of insomnia. Hormonal changes can play a big part in this.
Accept it. Accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. Wisdom to know the difference.
Sometimes wisdom shows up at 3 am. The distractions of sunshine and daylight and household and job demands are diminished in the wee hours of the early morning.
The things that are REALLY bothering you show up at 3 am.
It’s not about the struggle to sleep at 3 am. It’s about the worries and fears that lie beneath the surface. The insecurities in relationships.
It’s about the big questions. Why aren’t my prayers being answered. Why would God allow this or that.
Is the whole country going to hell in a hand basket? I can’t fit into any clothes and what will I wear to the big event coming up?
Will I ever get all the laundry done, will I ever get all the weeds pulled? What will I make for dinner tonight? Why did I say “yes” to something when I really should have said “no”.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It’s no wonder sleep eludes us.
Sometimes sleeping is like eating. When you get hungry enough, you’ll know what you want to eat. When you get tired enough, sleep will come. Sometimes the questions get answered, sometimes they don’t.
The best we can try for is acceptance and peace. Trust all the questions into the hands of a loving God.
I wish you peace. I pray that you will find peace at the crossroads of acceptance and trust.
Confess your fears and worries and insecurities to the One who holds the world in His hands. Write them out on paper. Give them voice and words and visible form. In the confines of pen and paper, letters and words, you find that fears will not swallow you whole.
They have limits and boundaries. Maybe more managable.
Confess them to a safe friend. Shared with another, they shrink even more. Breathe deeply once again.
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