Season of Hope

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Spring

In my new season of grieving, life moves at a different pace.  Since my mom died, I have had really wonderful days

and really difficult days.

Like this painting, my days have color and form, but no depth.

Flat.

This is far better than days that feel gray and lifeless.

I am eagerly awaiting the tulips.  I planted lots of bulbs last fall, hoping to bless

my mom with lots of colorful blooms this spring.

Now, I guess, they were really for me.  I didn’t know how much

I would need that hope.

That longed for colorful bloom.

For the world to erupt in beauty, color, form, and depth.

The spring rains have begun, gloomy days continue.

But I have this hope.

It will look like this again soon:

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Early Spring: the Reality

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The unglamorous realities of early spring in Wisconsin.

We, here in Wisconsin, don’t really understand why.  Why do stores start stocking shorts and tank tops in March?

Why do they try to sell flip-flops and sleeveless Easter dresses?  Why is everything pastel and flimsy?

The reality is, we have not yet put away our winter coats and snow boots.  Guess what?  Our world is brown and muddy

and cold and yes, we could get a few big snowstorms in March, April, or May.

We relish those few nice days when you can go outside without a coat

but you better have back-up jackets and mittens in your car.

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We could have days when they skies are an eye-popping blue.  (Notice the very bare branches on the trees)

But we could just as easily have skies that are so cloudy that it looks like a great grey dome of depression has settled over the city.  And it could last for days and days.

Spring is a slight improvement over our winters.  I have put away my sub-zero jacket.  That bulky parka that is essential for

wind chills and polar vortexes.

I have put away the huge fur-lined gloves that go along with the parka.

A chilly day doesn’t have fear hanging in the air now.  Most cars will start on a 30 degree day.  30 below zero, well, that’s

our winter worry.

But you can forget about children prancing through the tulips for an Easter egg hunt around here.

Your children better be in snow pants and mittens, ready to make an Easter bunny snowman.

Because that’s just how we roll here in the Midwest.

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Just like this seed pod bundled up for the coming of summer, we are ready and waiting.

When the time is right, we will make a mad dash to the stores for our shorts and flip-flops.  Maybe late June.

Until then, the stores would sell more, perhaps if they had realistic clothes for our climate.

Something that co-ordinates better with mud, perhaps!

My Sassy Cardinal

my sassy cardinal

my sassy cardinal

A Cardinal Experience

I have been drawn to the birds, cardinals for a few years now.  I have always admired their striking plumage and their cheery unique calls, but I have felt a different pull towards them.  I found myself buying Christmas decorations with cardinals the past few clearance seasons.

I even went so far as to buy at a thrift store a small cardinal figurine, something I never go for.  Was there something more behind this longing?

I bought a book about attracting cardinals to your yard, detailing the habits of the birds and their preferences.  I was a bit dismayed when I read that they like bushy plants to nest and hide in.  We had pruned all our bushy plants last fall.  How would I get to see more of them.  I hungered for a glimpse of their flashy feathers.

Someone told me that cardinals have a spiritual significance, if you’re into that kind of thing.  Like spirit animal theories, etc.

I dismissed it as hippy-dippy hooey.  I am much more practical than that, I thought.  I mean, who would believe that a small bright red bird could represent the loved ones you have lost and long for?

Then a week after my mom died, I woke up one morning, let the dog out, and was greet by that unmistakable cardinal song.

It was a bit surprising and I searched the sound out and spotted the brash male perched in the next door neighbor’s tree singing his lusty heart out.  We have never had many cardinals around this house, so I have been delighted by our newcomer.

He sits high in the trees surrounding our yard on one side or the other, morning and evening every day now.  And I have spotted a muted colored female cardinal at our birdfeeder that usually only attracts sparrows and chipmunks.

I have been encouraged by this little red bird.  His presence all of a sudden after mom died.  Is this a sign?  Is this a special blessing from God to cheer me up?

I smile every time I hear the song and see the little red feisty bird.  That seems like quite a sign and blessing to me.

Another Chapter Begins

Another chapter begins.
My mom went to her eternal home a month ago today. There are so many thoughts.
So many emotions.
Thankfully, very few regrets.
So many blessings.

I will be grieving for a long time. I have never been without my mother before. She was with me my whole life.
It is still, after one month, so impossibly hard to say good-bye to her.

There have been moments in life when I truly felt like “now I am a grown-up” or “now I am really an adult”.

This past month I have felt more like a child again, in a helpless, dependent way. I really don’t want to take on adult responsibilities for the moment.

It is so draining to do mundane things like pay bills, go to the grocery store, clean up dog vomit on the kitchen floor.

It hurts to do just about everything. And it is worse to do nothing.

Thanks for listening.